Thursday, August 12, 2010

Unhealthy Relationships.....Are you in one?

I'm back....Better than before! I really appreciate the love and support you've given me since I began blogging. I pray that you are being inspired, uplifted, and empowered by the gift that God has entrusted me much as I am. I love and enjoy what I do!

I had an epiphany regarding my unhealthy situation after viewing this video. Did it have an affect on you, if so, please share? What I realized about my situation or experience was that I allowed it....I didn't like it, but I did allow it. I'm sure the question you may be asking is, Why would I (any women) stay in an abusive or unhealthy situation? Well, I'm  going to list a few reasons "we" stay according to Dr. Laura Schlessinger in her book, Ten Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives". Fear, self-doubt, no sense of purpose, people-pleasing, low self-esteem, questioning your right to leave(married), shame or guilt, dependency(security/financial stability), and familiarity.

I can only speak from my personal experience in hope that you will find the strength to live better, be better period! My reasons for staying as long as I did and even returning to the scene of the crime, had more to do with my way of thinking....that I always made the wrong decisions, so you see, it didn't really matter what decision I made....IT WOULD BE WRONG! I was stuck on an emotional rollercoaster, I was scared, but wasn't I suppose to be enjoying it? I am a Christian, I shouldn't have the spirit of fear, should I? It was very difficult for me to walk in obedience in the spirit because surely God was not telling me to leave my husband, He despises divorce! I wasn't understanding that if I remained, I was not operating in the Will of God for my life......I simply could not serve 2 masters! This is where my logical thinking could not understand and that left me doubtful and confused. The Bible warns against a double-minded person in James 1:5-8. I suffered simply because I was deficient in wisdom, but now by the renewing of my mind (Romans 12:2), I can walk in victory! I can honestly tell you that my biggest hinderance was being a people-pleaser, not realizing that it was unhealthy even when I was being abused by the very person I was trying so desperately to please. I can not go in depth about my personal struggle with abuse and how I am rebuilding and transforming my life in one blog post....that's why I'm writing a memoir, but in sharing this tid-bit I hope that it has encouraged you to come out of darkness....begin loving yourself, and seek help! As stated by Dr. Schlessinger, "Generally, women resent and resist the idea of acknowledging up front what we are in reality accepting and putting up with anyway!" I completely agree, not because she is a Psychotherapist, but because I have experienced those emotions that keep us bound. I had to come clean, yeah he was abusive, controlling, manipulative and just down right negative, but the truth of the matter was that I continued to subject myself to the pain just so I could avoid appearing weak. I realized how weak I was by not protecting my own best interest, not just for me, but my kids as well. I found strength to admit that I was allowing it and began to pick up the pieces. My sincere desire for you all who may be suffering from abuse, as defined by Webster's New World Dictionary-1)to use wrongly 2)to mistreat esp. by inflicting physical or sexual harm on 3)to insult; revile-insulting language, is that you acknowledge it and take the necessary steps to living better, being better period! I'm leaving you with an inspiring exert from T. D. Jakes, The Lady, Her Lover, and Her Lord just in case you feel like I felt.....ashamed, embarrassed, alone, doubtful, and confused:

"You must look right into the flaming inferno of hellish situations and declare through parched, lonely, tear stainded lips, "I will go on." Inside every victim there is harsh tenacity and steel will. Courage is born out of crises. Little girl, you have the power. It is in you through Christ. It is in you to succeed. No one succeeds without overcoming opposition. Wipe your face, strengthen your back, hold up your head, and survive! No one can change their yesterdays, no matter how terrible they may have been. Update your life.  This is now, not then. I pray for your courage to endure what you cannot change. Completely remodel the things that you can, and tell the rest of it to go play in traffic!"

Last but not least, I want to acknowledge Eminem for his very real depiction of an unhealthy relationship, although very disturbing, it is a haunting reality. Please check out for information and resources.

I am moving towards a "Soul Beautiful" life, I pray that you will join me in *ACTION*BEING*DOING*PROGRESSING!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

You are equipped to DO IT!

I have been off for a while.....not really, but I did step away from the blog to give total focus to writing my book, "For All The Wrong Reasons". I am embarking on a new journey in my life that required me to really look at myself......I mean really look at me! I'm not a person that is out here doing bad, crazy, or wild things, but God instructed me to take a deeper look. In my intimate time with Him, which is in the wee hours of the morning, He clearly spoke to me, "Alysia, you matter, yet you act as if you don't!"" I have not equipped you with such wonderful gifts for you to wander aimlessly through this life." I had been praying for change in my life, but nothing. I was making my petition known to God, but nothing! "What was I doing wrong?" I asked desperately. My answer came in that moment......I had a desire, I had the ability, and I had the vision, but I didn't take action. How many of you know that anything that you desire you must work for? Well apparently that works the same for dreams too! Here I was just dreaming about the "abundant life" God promised, but forgetting what James 1:22 tells us, But be ye DOERS of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves. I had to DO IT! Psalm 1:3 reads, And he(she) shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his(her) fruit in his(her) season; his(her) leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he(she) DOETH shall prosper. Yall, I must do what it takes to go after the vision God has placed in me.....that's what has had me occupied for the past few weeks. My vision is real......God has given me something real! Seed time and harvest doesn't work if you don't put something in the ground.....well I am planting great things! I must do what God has equipped me to do! I make this public declaration of what I AM DOING!!!!!

I am so excited about this life transformation that I am journeying through. The birthing of my vision, Soul Beautiful, is a brand that will inspire, motivate, and educate women on the value of self-love and becoming spiritually connected to God, The Creator. "You are Soul Beautiful" is a statement that transcends exterior beauty or the beauty that is perceived by the onlooking eye. You must go within and find out why you are here and manifest that as a reality. I aspire to continue self developement and pouring my love into the live of as many people as God will allow me to touch. My story is my story.....I am sharing a part of me as a way to inspire and motivate change in lives everywhere. TAKE CHARGE, UNLEASH, AND TRANSFORM YOUR LIFE............BE BETTER, PERIOD!!!

Saturday, June 12, 2010's not for the weak!

I do a show with The WIFES( each week and I noticed that we are a very diverse group of women when it comes to personalities, but I did notice the quality in each of us of being STRONG women! I think this says a lot about women that get married......we must be strong......and if you are not when you get into the marriage....ooooh you will become! Marriage is not for the weak at heart or the weak minded person because it brings about challenges that we must be ready to face head on.....I'm talking about financial, spiritual, emotional, and physical situations. You can not just up and run away when there is an issue in the marriage if you expect it to work!!! You have to......I stress, HAVE TO, as in you are obligated to resolve the issues. I have observed a marriage where the wife was just passive(weak) about everything and the husband thrived on this behavior because he knew that he had no limitations, although he wanted his wife to check him, he knew that she wasn't so he just kept doing what he did. When she began to learn new things(when you know better you do better!) and began to incorporate it into her marriage, homeboy wasn't too thrilled with it, but he began to respect her his own admission, he couldn't just get away with whatever and that made him feel like his wife paid him some attention. Now that's just one scenario, of course on the other hand in this same situation someone else probably would've been in divorce court, but it all worked out for the good on their part because they loved eachother and in the end she gave him what he truly desired......attention!
I enjoy the different views of each of the ladies, simply because it allows me to look at my situation in a new way. This helps when you don't have all the answers and you need them. You need to learn new ways to keep the marriage going yourself must be strong in order to do this! I know that some people may mistake being strong as being in the forefront or that you must handle it that's not the case. When I say strong, I am suggesting that you put on an I CAN, I WILL, and an I AM attitude when it comes to your know what I'm sayin! I can make it happen, I will help make it happen, I am here for you when it happens....just to give some examples. Just know that if you are must exercise your brain, heart, and body to keep it tight!!!! I will get into the body part next time because we definately need to talk about that one! I believe that you understand where I'm coming from......well I just had that on my mind.....don't know why, but it had to be for a reason so I hope it helped you.......Love ya!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Everyday is new!

I just laid in the bed today feeling a bit overwhelmed from my troubles, then I realized that everything that was on my mind happened YESTERDAY! Why was it still on my mind? I tried to shake it, but nothing happened. That same OLD feeling was there.......AAAAAAAAAAAH! Yes, I screamed for relief. Still nothing! I thought maybe talking to a friend about it would lift my spirit, so I called my friend JESUS. I began to pour out my soul to HIM, and he softly spoke to me saying, "Everyday is new". That is what I needed to hear! My entire mood switched from overwhelmed to overjoyed simply because I decided to talk with my friend. I'm sure if I had not taken out time for my LORD, my day would have continued to be gloomy. I'm so glad that I made the right decision. Whenever you are feeling down on yourself or just down to HIM. I know that there are times that we feel undeserving of HIS MERCY, but as it is written, "HIS MERCIES ARE NEW EVERY MORNING", it doesn't say some mornings, but every morning! It took me a while to understand (stand under) the WORD, but once I let go of the world's view of ME and accepted GOD's description of who I AM, something opened up inside of me. I promised myself that no matter how ugly things may get, that I would stay true to who God says I am!
 I almost stopped telling my story because I just didn't see the point, but God quickly reminded me that it ain't even about me! Honey, if I don't tell it then someone will be lost and I don't want to live my life knowing that I could have saved someone and I didn't. Let me get on my job!!!

Friday, May 21, 2010

Just say "NO!" to'll be glad you did!

Oh my goodness, this is so hard! I know you've been tempted, so you knoooow what I'm talking about. It seems like temptations only come when things are going so've lost the 10 lbs you wanted to lose because you stopped eating desserts, but your new booh sends you chocolates to your office, your new man is awesome, but the sexy eye candy you were tryin to hook up with suddenly acknowledges you, you're reminiscing about an old flame (that was so good, but no good) and you happen to run into him, or maybe you decided to stop going to the club (cause you don't dance no mo...Lol!), but your friend is having a birthday party and she wants you to be there......what do you do?

My people, my people, this one is hard for me because I'm still weak in this area.....weak I tell ya! I'm going to share one with you all. What had happened was....Lol! Seriously, I was out one night with my fam, chillin, and looking oh so fly.....oh I was feelin myself too yall! We had partied till they put us out of the club then took it to the parking we used to say, we tore the club up! As we crossed the parking lot, I spotted an old boyfriend.....oooh baby, I really began to feel myself....because look at me now booh! Yeah I know you want this! Well, he stopped me (I planned on it) and told me how good I was looking and how he missed me (as if I didn't know this). Blah..blah...blah is all I was thinking until he got out of the car.....Lord help me now! Yall that thang there was too fine...okay! I can't hook up with him...I have a good dude waiting on me (before marriage). I went thru it yall...I didn't tell him no to begin with like I should have. I got in the car with him (I did that!) and rode around the parking lot...because me and the fam had an agreement...we came together we leave together so maybe if he would've had a few cute friends it would've been an after party....okay! Long story short...I did not hook up with him, but I sure wanted to (just being honest) and the only reason that I didn't wasn't because I had a dude, but because I was with my peeps. Ooh and I wasn't about to leave them hanging for no dude....pleeeaaase! I count this as a victory although I didn't use any will power against the tempter, but I didn't allow it to go any further than that parking lot. I told him that I had a man and "NO" we can't keep in touch. Why didn't I have the urge to say that from the get go (oh I'm so ghetto right now...Lol!), but really, why?

I believe that most of the time we are tempted by that which we desire most. Really, how many of you that have a man (be honest) have been tempted to kick it with your ex or have kicked it with your ex? You still want that, but you don't want all the other stuff that comes with it. Ladies, this is your ego...mmmhuh, your ego. I've been there, done that, so I'm here to tell you why I didn't say no from the get go. I DIDN'T WANT TO! I wanted that man to swoon over me, I wanted him to remember all of this, I wanted him to wish that he had me.....all of that is just ego trippin! Oh I'm the only one? Whatever! You don't have to admit to it, I will, so step back and let me get delivered! If dude had been know, if he had fell off then there would not have been any temptation. I like fine, sexy, well dressed men...soooo that's what comes my way, ex's, mailmen, truck drivers, business men, etc. I have matured and grown a lot over the years and especially now that I am reunited with my husband, because there was a time when my motto was "what you won't do, another man will"! I meant it too, for real.....quit playin! Looking back on some of the temptations that I've overcome and the ones that I haven't brought me to a point of really wanting to know "why?" is it so hard for me to overcome all of them. I told you all that I am being honest with myself about I asked myself and myself said "huh?"....Lol! I had to be real honest about it....I just didn't want to say "NO" when certain temptations came my way. I would weigh my consequences....and if the results were in my favor, I did what I wanted to do. This is not the right way to live your life, but we all have to go through a process of spiritual growth. When we get to that place of understanding then we will be able to overcome any and all temptations no matter how big or small. I'm working on me and I hope that you will do the can begin by sharing some of your triumphs or bloops, whatever works for you. The objective here is to hold eachother accountable...stop cosigning to the madness and tell your peeps "we came together, so we are going to leave together"! Lol!! I fall down, you fall down, we all fall down sometimes, but it's easier to get up when you have a helping hand. This was fun for me....I laughed the whole time I was typing, but I got it done. Until next time...........moving onward and forward!

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Wake up call....we all need one!!!!

Today has been an amazing experience! I didn't do anything extraordinary, but I am here....Thank God! This morning was like most of my Sunday mornings, I was awakened by the phone, it was my friend. I should have already been up getting dressed when she called, but I was sleeping too good, I'm talking about good! The plan for this particular Sunday was for me and the girls to get up early( I am always late) and attend church. She came through for a minute, in my excitement to show her my blog site, I didn't even consider the was 10 am....service begins at 11 am! This sister (my friend) said, "uuuummm yo but ain't going to church are you?" I'm glad she gave me a wake up call (literally) because discouragement had already set in. The thoughts started pouring're going to be late, you may as well stay home because you're not going to get a parking spot or a seat in the Cathedral.......all of that! I told my girl, oh honey I'm going to church....I need a word today, so I'm going to get my word! She was like, "I know that's right!" She went on and did her thing and I began to get my two girls and myself ready for church. Although we were running a bit late, FAVOR showed up as soon as we pulled into the parking lot! The parking attendant asked me to wait a minute because they had a space that had just become available in the main parking lot (closer to the entrance). When we went into the church we were escorted to the CATHEDRAL balcony seating. How awesome is that? AWESOME!!! You may be thinking that this wasn't a big deal....I mean, what's so special about that? Well, the excuses that I was making up to use as a reason for not attending church this morning had been diminished simply because I SHOWED UP!!! Now that's VICTORY for me!

My girls and I took our seat as the Bishop was speaking. I was hoping that we had not missed anything, because I knew that word was for me! The Bishop brought the fire when he said, "Build the Kingdom of God and not your kingdom, because bringing attention to yourself isn't bringing attention to God (BE AWARE)!" When I tell you that word touched me down to my core.......oooohhh yes it did! See, I have recently stepped out to explore my purpose in life and a part of me has been concerned about this very can I tell my story and bring God the glory? I was reluctant to share my story because I don't want to make it all about me(ego tripping), but I do want to use myself as an example of God's grace and mercy. I have to be honest with myself about these things....I like attention! I just want to keep it real about where I'm coming from. This word today, which came from 1 Corinthians 3 was a right on time word for ME! I needed to hear that as if my life depended on it, I now know that my future does. The only reason I have a story is because I am chosen by God! It wasn't as if I brought myself out of those situations....I merely acknowledged God's strength in my weakness (I had to learn how to do that) . See when you are chosen(by God), you are targeted (by the enemy). I haven't gone through any of the situations alone, God has been with me, giving me provision and protection! Surely I shouldn't think that he would abandon me now. God is faithful! I am learning to silence my EGO and say, "Less of me and more of you LORD!" I am so glad that I showed up today, because God made my purpose absolute! I no longer have to wonder if this is what I should be is confirmed! I will continue to share my story, no matter how painful and ugly it may be.....why?...simply because I am being refined. I will tell my story, live my passion, and change my world.......God demands it!

Saturday, May 15, 2010

"Ain't no SHAME in my game!!!!"

As defined by Webster's New World Dictionary, the word shame has multiple meanings: 1) a painful feeling of guilt for improper behavior, etc. 2) dishonor or disgrace 3) something regrettable or outragious. I have clearly, with the help from Webster, defined the word SHAME. Now let's talk about this statement, "Ain't no shame in my game!". If you haven't said it, you've heard it. I bet you're saying yeah,....and? Well, this statement has a derogatory reputation when spoken by most. I took that and flipped it to give me a sense of confidence and power during the most challenging times in my life. Here I go, telling you all of my! I can do! Been there done that....writing a book about.....okaaaaay!!!

I have this uncontrollable urge to just let it all hang out tonight, but I will keep it tight. Before I go any further....this is a blog about random events in my life that I feel the need to share. Hopefully it will help someone understand that they are not alone.........we all have problems! I want you to realize that it's not the problem, it's you! You must understand that you are bigger than your problem........extremely! So with that being said, shall I proceed.....yes in deed! Lol!!! Okay, where did I even come up with this topic? Well, I was reminiscing about this one time at band camp......NOT!!! Really, I was in a deep thought about my days as a Stripper, Exotic Dancer, for those of you who live on the other side of the tracks. I remember saying "Ain't no shame in my game!" often, and I meant every word of it! I wasn't in shame as a dancer, but everyone else thought that I should be. Why? Because I'm nude? I had one motive, and that was to make money......everything and everyone else was irrelevant. I was not focused on the opinions of others, simply because I knew WHY I was there. Before I ever stepped foot on a stage I had already been validated, so the adoration kept me humble and the haters kept me motivated! So I adopted that statement....I put it into use everytime I heard "Hot Chocolate" the next booty on duty! Lol!!! Over the years I have grown as a woman, as a person, and I have learned to accept myself right where I am. I finally came to the realization that there isn't any shame in my game! I did what I did and that's that! I've been asked, if I could do it over, what would I do differently? I didn't have an answer, but I do now, I wouldn't do anything different! This is the life path that I chose and I'm thankful for the experience.......I SURVIVED! I now have an experience in my life that will POSITIVELY impact someone else......why would I want to change that? I'm thankful to God for allowing me to get over myself and tell the world, "Ain't no shame in my game!" I'm going to keep it real about me, because that's the only way I'm going to change for the better. I'm good now on my way to being Great! I hope that you will get to a place in your life where you can stand up and say, "Ain't no SHAME in my game!" As a matter of fact.......I know you will!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Be honest with yourself, you chose that!

The need to be needed can cause some of us to get outside of our true identity. You begin to want more in life, such as friends, money, love, etc. This desire, if not formed in a healthy way will begin to breed greed. Have you been or are you in a place that you don't want to be, but you created that mess yourself? I bet you are wondering how to get out of it, right? The pain of it all has become too hard to bare, the struggles you face because of this decision(s) is depressing you. I think that if I share one of my situations and how I dealt with it, that would help answer some questions, even if it is completely different from your situation.

I was in an abusive relationship(marriage) that was so painful and depressing, but I was stuck! I did not know what to do and when I would vent to my friends or family all I would get from them was, oh girl please ain't no way I would be dealing with that! That statement made me feel worse, he was my husband! Here I am, back up against the wall, noone to turn to, all ALONE. What can I do? I begin to feel hopeless and dumb....but why? I begin to seek out ways to make me feel better (another setup), but in me doing that, I opened up the portal to HELL! I left the abusive relationship(marriage), only to get involved with a married man(somebody else's husband). Who does that? ME! I did! Just thinking about it makes me sick, but anywho, let me continue. So, I began to LIE to myself about the situation....girl you married too, and you see how things can get, maybe he needs you like you need him. Lies, lies, lies, and more lies! I tell you, I was in too deep! I'm talking about, I was his woman...okay! We went out, he bought me nice things, he treated me so special, he was soooo attentive, he spent time with me, he just made me feel like a woman......LIES! Realistically, it was not all that, and I'm still trying to figure out what desperate place I was in, anyways when I find that answer I will blog about it..LOL! The truth of the matter was, I was being selfish, and the saying is true, "hurt people, hurt people!". I was hurting, so I didn't care about anybody else, not even the married man....please! All I was thinking was men ain't no good anyway, so what if he's married, she know what kind of man she got. Just UGLY, a hot mess! Then one day I SNAPPED, not in a violent way, but I had an epiphany. After the guilt begin to set in and I really couldn't justify what I was doing anymore, because I knew I was wrong. God dealt with me......still dealing with me! I didn't want to be in that place anymore, but had I fallen in love? With a married man? Come on, you have got to be kidding me! Oh like I said I was in too deep, but PRAYER from the heart will change things INSTANTLY! I battled with it for a minute because at first I didn't want to let go, but when I made the decision, when I begin to LOVE ME again, when I told the TRUTH, oh it was peace instantaneously! I shared this tidbit (book coming soon) of my life to say that nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes. You are not in that mess alone! You just have to be honest about your situation with God, quit talking to everybody else because they have issues too! They can't tell you the truth, because they need to take their mess to God too! Surround yourself with spiritually mature people who will have a WORD for you and that situation.....then one day you can do exactly what I'm doing.....Being Honest with Yourself!